Soapbox Sundays: Marriage isn't as hard as it's made out to be

With my third anniversary coming up (it's tomorrow) I've been thinking quite a bit about marriage lately; how it's nothing like I expected (better) and a lot less difficult than I had been led to believe.

Growing up, I thought a lot about marriage, who I would marry, how to be a good wife, what my wedding would be like... I planned a lot, and felt I ought to prepare myself too. I learned to cook at a young age so I'd be a good wife (I also found that I really enjoyed it, and mostly cook for that reason now), I read books and articles on the subjects of love and relationships written by various types of people: men and women, Christians, psychologists, counselors, pastors and their wives, widows, etc. I also listened to and observed other married couples around me, my parents especially, but also my oldest sister who got married when I was 10, and has had a lot to say on the subject ever since.
All around me I heard all kinds of things about marriage -good things and bad things....mainly that marriage was "hard, but rewarding." Sometimes, sadly, it seemed that the "hardness" of marriage outweighed the rewards.

I wasn't put off by any of this. "All right," I thought, "the married life can be tough, but I'm sure I can be a good wife. And if times get tough we'll tough it out." After all, millions of people through the ages had gotten married and a lot of them seemed decently happy. Besides, being married was a prerequisite to having children for me, and I definitely wanted to be a mom too in my life, besides being a wife.

And eventually, I did get engaged to an amazing and wonderful man. Now, this isn't the story of how we met (all though its an amazing story, and perhaps I'll write a post on it later) but in short, I lived in Florida and John lived in New Hampshire, and we long distance dated for quite some time before John decided he needed to move down to me to date properly and ask me to marry him. So he did. And he did.

Naturally, I heard a lot of advice when I actually got engaged. This advice was generally more positive, but still had all kinds of warnings. "Marriage is the hardest work you'll do, but it's really worth it!" One lady told me. "You get out of it what you put into it" was another bit of advice that seemed to make sense. But during the engaged part, I started getting new ideas.

Since I was living in Tampa, away from most of my family in Key West and John was away from all his family and friends in NH, we hung out together all the time. We were, in essence, all we had in our new big city. So even more than normal dating or engaged couples hang out, we definitely hung out. On my way to work every morning, I would stop by John's apartment and say hi before starting my day. And on my way home, I would stop by and we would hang out the rest of the day. I would make dinner for us and we'd watch movies, talk, take walks together and generally hang out until around 11pm and I would drive home to my sister's house where I was living at the time. On weekends, I would do his laundry at my sisters house (Which I brought home Friday night) and then drive to his house for a hangout all saturday. When we did spend time with newly found friends or my sister, it was together, as a couple.

After John romantically asked me to marry him, it vaguely occurred to me that after our wedding my life might not change much. We already shopped and saved money together (We have very similar money values,) I did his laundry with mine anyway, and cooked for him, we cleaned his apartment together as though it were ours rather than just his...Only one thing would be different: at night I wouldn't have to drive home and I would get to sleep with him! And have sex with him! (We were both virgins when we married eachother.) What a wonderful thought! When I had come to this logical conclusion, I realized maybe it wouldn't be has hard as everyone was saying it would be. Or would it change when the vows were said? Would John or I go through some psychological metamorphosis and become a different person. Would we see each other differently, when we had tied ourselves together for better or for worse? Would we suddenly start fighting and bickering over which way the toilet paper ran or if the toothpaste was squeezed from the bottom or top despite the fact that we had dated for five years and never once had an argument?

Um no. We didn't. In fact, I was right in my assumption that it would be the same. Except better. Because now it's like a permanent sleep over with my best friend. I don't have drive half-asleep to my sister's house after drowsily watching a movie together. Instead, we can curl up together on the couch and just sleep there if we want. And let me tell you. It. Is. Awesome. And it's fun! And it's not hard. Really, it's not.

Maybe we're the exception to the rule. Maybe everyone else in the world has to struggle to have a good marriage. Maybe everyone else has to fight urges to be selfish and only take from a relationship rather than freely giving and doing things for the person they love. Maybe no one else is best friends with their spouse. Maybe John and I are the only people who both feel like they got the better deal when we married each other. And maybe we are the only couple ever to have an oh-so-rewarding marriage without considering it "hard." Or maybe we're just still in "the honeymoon phase" and once disillusionment sets in, or reality hits us we'll realize that marriage is not the cake-walk we've thought it to be...
Maybe.

But I rather think I'm wrong there. Because I've continued to observe old married couples and it seems to me that an awful lot of them seem very happy together. I'm not saying they don't fight (all though now I'd bet that a lot of them don't) and I'm not saying they don't have to work to make their marriage work, but it seems like they're happy. Happy with one another, happy with themselves. Maybe it's my married eyes seeing new things, but happy couples seem a lot more predominant now than they did when I was still under the notion of marriage being a tough thing.

My main thought is that marriage isn't any harder than life in general. And in fact, if you aren't married to an amazing supportive and encouraging husband (or wife) then your hard life will probably be a lot more miserable than if you are. So, maybe you do have to work at marriage, but just as much as you have to work at anything; friendships, jobs, self-improvement.

And that's why it bugs me when you meet a disillusioned married couple, or a person who may not have the greatest relationship with their spouse and they go on to tell you that when you've been married as long as they have, you'll know how hard marriage is. When they say "You're still in your honey-moon phase." I want to reply "Well, we'll stay in that phase, thanks for the advice." And sometimes it feels like they're just waiting for you to hit some rough patch in life before you begin feeling the need to fight...
Well, John and I have hit some pretty rough patches (like losing our baby. I plan to write a post on this later.) and it only brought us closer as far as I can tell. I'm only more and more convinced that I've married the most wonderful, patient and caring man that probably ever existed. And really, that just might be the reason we have such a good marriage; John is exceptional. He probably is the secret strength here. I'm pretty sub-par and married to any other guy I might have actually had to work to make the relationship work, but John is a rock. And a handsome one at that.
So either it's just because we both consider the other the most amazing person in the world, or John is just really amazing and I'm really lucky, but whichever one it is, we have a great marriage, fun and rewarding and better than I ever imagined it could be.

I'll get off my soapbox, now.

edit: Actually, a few more thoughts, but this may be more than a post script can handle, so it may end up needing to be a whole new soapbox sunday post, but...Please choose the person you marry with care. Don't let my "marriage is a breeze" attitude lead you into thinking you can make it work with anyone (Well, you can, but it may actually be hard sometimes.) So if you aren't married keep some things in mind when choosing your mate: Definitely let it be someone you love, but don't let love be the only factor. Compatibility (are you friends as well as lovers? Do you like eachother? If you weren't dating would you hang out?) and similar views on important issues: Money, primarily. Make sure your financial habits are agreeable. But also, equality in religious beliefs (if its important to you, it should be just as much to them) and future type plans. If you have any doubts about or reasons not to marry someone, you're probably better off not marrying them. I'm not a relationship counselor and I don't have any expertise in this subject beyond my own experience and observations, but I think this is pretty standard advice.
If, however, you are already married and struggling, maybe accepting the person for who they are, as they are will help. And wanting to make it work is the first key to making it work.
Um...that's all. Sorry to rant even further on you on a subject somewhat off subject...

Lovely days and thoughts on blogs. (this one in particular)

The past few days have been beautiful. It's really something when you can open your windows and let warmth in, rather than letting it out. We turned our heat off about a week ago (cheers for saving money on electricity!) and it's been very comfortable. Last night I was actually quite warm, almost uncomfortably so.

Yesterday and the day before were very warm. Shorts and flip-flops were pulled out and worn with great relish. We even took a barefoot stroll on the beach. Really nice. Of course, the ocean was still down right chilly and getting rolled over by a wave felt like my foot had just been frozen off....heh
Today is also lovely. It started out a bit grey but has been getting cheerier as the day progresses. This is my excuse for the few days break this blogs been having. And will continue to have.... Haha, just kidding. Sort of. I've been plotting some future posts, that I feel are necessary in order to make this blog more *real* feeling. But I have to seriously think them out before I just throw em up here.
Blog writing is a relatively new genre of literature, and I'm not sure I've quite gotten the hang of it. It's a blend of anecdote, insight and tutorial. And even that can change depending on your niche.... Which makes me wonder....

What is my niche? Do I have one? A blog about weather? boooorrrring. I have more hobbies and interests than that! And some of them can be quite interesting. So I suppose it's more of a personal blog than anything. About projects and hobbies that strike my fancy, subjects and themes grab my interest and any other type thing. I'll be trying to organize and get this blog rolling for the benefit of anyone who comes by to see what it's all about. I'm new at it, so bear with me.

I'm going to try and include weekly themes -I've seen a lot of Wordless Wednesdays, and wonder if I can do that too, it seems like an easy cop out once a week. I have a few other ideas too...Soapbox Sundays, where I rant about things, issues, problems etc. that bother me or that I feel need to be discussed. (I have a great one for tomorrow...Actually, I have a few really great ones coming.) These will include a broad spectrum of subjects, including but not limited to consumerism, saving money, marriage, epidurals, breastfeeding, being green (and the many aspects thereof) precycling, vaccinations, natural medicine, health, exercise, TV and it's effects, parenting ....Well, there's a lot. It's stuff I'm interested, stuff I research for fun because I find it so fascinating and stuff that frequently just needs to be ranted about.

Then, I was also thinking to include at least one recipe a week, maybe more depending on how many delicious new/original things I cook or bake in a week. And I'd like to put up more photographs up of crafts, artwork and similar projects I've been working on. I think this would not only be interesting to the reader (If I have any!) but it would also get me motivated to work on and finish the many things I plan, start and then put aside. And photo-documentaries. I have a few of them that I'll be making public and a few in the works (some things take time) but I believe they are a fun way to see something come into being. Things that are not generally seen made. Edibles: - wedding cakes, wines, extracts and infused oils, as well as inedibles: huge wall hangings, upcycled or refashioned clothing, crocheted items...

Also, paragraph breaks. I need to remember these. They do so much for the readability of a post. One long unbroken page of text does tend to be intimidating. *goes back and starts putting paragraph breaks here and there* *cough*

Once I get my act(s) in order, I'll feel a lot more comfortable lending the link to my blog out and sharing it. One of my goals is to get some food photo of mine onto TasteSpotting.com. That would really get my name out there. But first it has to be a blog worth reading and looking at.
So anyone who is out there currently, I appreciate you...even if you are shy or not into commenting, but just be ready: this blog is going to be so much better when I get the hang of it. I've already given it quite the facelift and it looks really awesome. (IMO)

Lets see if we can make some these goals this coming week.

Bananas for dinner (and breakfast and dessert.)

Last night I made an amazingly delicious dish. Banana Spaghetti. I have had a dish called Banana Spaghetti before made by my culinary talented brother-in-law Terence. But when I decided I wanted to put bananas in my pasta last night, it was a bit different than what I remembered eating for an Independence Day Dinner a few years ago. From what I remember of Terence's it had bell peppers, roasted bananas and no red sauce (probably had other stuff too, I just can't remember, but it WAS good.) Mine had peas, corn, carrots, peppers, onions, garlic and cayenne pepper all sauteed along with bananas (which got mushy with the frying and only lent flavour and no actual banana chunks) and since I knew my husband would balk if there was no sauce, I put a can of tomato sauce in there too. And it was gooooood. Sweet, spicy, flavourful. Both John and I really enjoyed it (and the leftovers were fantastic too.)
So I thought I'd share a bit of a recipe with you. Mind, I didn't measure anything and you can mix and match with vegetables and spices. This is how I normally cook, think of what I have, think of a basic dish and make it up as I go. So be creative and I hope it works for anyone who wants to try.
As a side note, prepared pasta will be a given in this recipe, so I guess its really more of a sauce recipe.
Banana Spaghetti
Onions, chopped
red, green, yellow bell peppers, chopped
a carrot, chopped
a handful of frozen peas
a handful of frozen corn
one or two sliced bananas
sea salt
cayenne pepper
crushed garlic
a pinch of rosemary (I like to grind rosemary in my mortar, so it's less pine-needle-y)
a pinch of sage
a dash of cinnamon (in hindsight, I don't know that the scanzy amount of cinnamon I added did anything for the overall dish, I couldn't taste it, but it may have done it's part, I don't know.)
dash of allspice (I believe a little more allspice would have been nice. I like allspice in tropical-like savoury dishes.)
one can of tomato sauce (if I wasn't compromising for my husband's sake, I would have put a can of diced tomatoes instead, or better, chopped fresh tomatoes, of which I had none, so therefore, could not add)
But while we're on the wish list-I bet fresh basil would have done wonders to this dish.
Annny way, I basically sauteed all this together in my cast iron pan until the onions were translucent, the carrots tender and the banana good and mashed up and then mixed it into my prepared pasta. It was tasty and rather different.

Funny thing, on the banana theme, I woke up today and made banana pancakes (sorry, no recipe) and then after dinner tonight, I made a delicious banana chocolate pudding/mousse.
Basic recipe is as follows (I'm trying for some measurements here, but bear with me as I'm estimating, feel free to tweak if needed):
Banana Chocolate pudding/mousse/pie filling (frosting?)
3Tbs coconut oil
4 tbs cocoa powder
1 or two bananas mashed with a fork
4-5 tbs honey
Combine all in a shallow pan and turn heat to low (just enough to melt the coconut oil and dissolve the honey, basically) Once the oil is basically softened, turn the heat off and whisk with a fork (or if you have one of those awesome tiny whisks, I'm majorly jealous.) You can eat it while warm, if you like your pudding warm and slightly runny, or let cool to room temp for a nice thick pudding. I ate it at room temp, but I imagine if you put it into the fridge, you'd get a nice solid silk-pie texture. This was good, and incredibly easy, and not too unhealthy (it seems to me). Plus, I usually have these ingredients!

As an awesome close to this post, John just asked me on a date. Heck yes. :D

More signs of spring and the beginnings of winemaking for the year

In my last post I mentioned some sounds of spring. I missed a couple, such as the sound of a brook or creek breaking loose (what a happy sound and sight!) and the sound of ice breaking up in a lake. Another sound that will soon be filling our ears is the sigh of wind through leaves. Leaves. I am so excited for leaves.

Yesterday, John and I drove to the Lake House to visit brother-in-law and wife. It's still pretty wintery feeling up there, what with them being in more mountainous regions, but still very pretty. And on the drive there, I had a chance to see hundreds of trees along the side of the highways all shaded with a very light pink-buds!
Edit: I've seen some chipmunks scampering about too! If they've come out of hibernating, I think everything else is soon to follow.

Tonight John and I are making our first wine of the year. A new type of wine we've never tried before-beet wine. I'm really excited and curious to see what it tastes like. The beets were on sale at our local Market Basket and we thought we'd give it a go to kick start our goal of making the most of every chance we get to make all sorts of interesting wines and beers this year. Last year we were positively too lax on taking up on all the chances we had, so hopefully this is a harbinger of a bountiful year where we take advantage of all that we can. We started by buying a book called Making Wild Wines and Meads by Patti Vargas and Rich Gulling. It has all kinds of amazing recipes and encourages using what you find to make wine. John and I don't normally buy books new, but the thought here was if we have an easily accessible recipe (as opposed to browsing through myriads of recipes on the web) we might be more motivated to do something. (Though we'll still probably be looking on the internet for recipes the book doesn't have).

But so far so good! We're currently waiting for the beets to simmer until tender over low heat. I'm taking photos all along so I'll have a little photo-documentary on the making of beet wine in a couple months. Well, sometime next year, I suppose. Wine making takes such a l-o-o-o-n-g time. Brewing beer is positively speedy in comparison. And speaking of which, I'll post some photos of husband's Lemon Hefeweizen when he does the bottling. I totally spaced on photographing the actual brewing of though :( My excuse is that John's parents were over and I was too preoccupied with having tea and pleasant conversation with John's mom while John showed his dad the ropes of brewing. (He was super interested, too.)

Makes me excited for having kids to raise and homeschool and teach all kinds of interesting things, such as brewing, wine making, foraging and putting up food in all kinds of clever ways. Hopefully that's not a far off dream either.

Signs of Life

A brief stroll to the dumpster and then a walk to the mailbox has assured me; the world is slowly coming back to life. Snow is an effective silencer, but as it slowly melts away, sounds seem to return. Despite the grey chill of the day, birds were chirping and singing away, the sound of the train near by was loud and clear once again. I don't hear it today, but there's another sound I love to hear: drips. The drip drip drop of snow melting. A couple weeks ago, we had a lovely warm day (it must have gotten up to 55.) And the sound of snow melting off the roof and pouring out of the gutter was a very merry song indeed.
Don't get me wrong, I love winter. I loved this winter in particular. It was a real winter. Cold, bitter at times, frosty, chill, snowy, icy, freezing, inclement, wonderful. Last winter was wet, to say the least. This winter we had real snow, lovely powdery sparkly snow that swirled in the wind and frosted trees and cars like icing on cakes. I hiked in it, played in it, danced in it and flopped, exhausted, into it. I made my first snow man this winter (it was tiny) and had a couple snowball fights as well. I would have liked to do more, but some unfortunate things prevented it (more on that later, perhaps).
Snowy days inspire as well. I completed my first real crochet project, a gorgeous green and very long scarf for my husband. I spent endless hours drinking tea and reading books, drawing, daydreaming... And there's nothing more wonderful than staying in, making and eating a lovely big waffle breakfast or cozying up with John and some hot chocolate...Yes, I had a really good winter overall.
But spring, how I do welcome thee...

A few thousand words worth of pictures: Spring, Summer 2010

Spring
Clover and Bumblebee

Baby robins!

Purple and white Crocus
Summer
Fun at Old SongsBlack Raspberries

Three seasons later...

I ought to have named this The Spring Blog. Since I totally missed writing about summer, fall and winter. Now here we are, March 7th, and spring is right around the corner. I must say I am very excited, though we had an amazing winter which I enjoyed entirely. I'll give a brief review of times past and next post will be the start of a new cycle.

We'll start with Summer. I had an AMAZING summer. I found wild raspberries, red and black varieties. I baked some really scrumptious Raspberry Cornmeal muffins with some of my find too. As per tradition, I went to the annual Old Songs Festival with my husband and his family. We volunteered in the kitchen, slept in a tent, went to music workshops and listened to all sorts of wonderful folk, traditional, ethnic and domestic music of the oldish persuasion for a full weekend.
Then, my good friend from Miami came to visit me and we had such lovely times together. I showed her my raspberry patches and we spent hours picking berries and chatting while fending off mosquitoes and maneuvering around thorns. We hiked a mountain (eating loads of raspberries on the way) and strode along lovely New England beaches (finding all sorts of cool shells) and canoed our way around a small lake behind my in-laws property. We explored the beautiful town I live in, got caught in a summer storm and sought shelter at our local library. Quite a magical time all things considered.

Shortly after she went back home, two of my sisters came to visit. They stayed for a good three weeks and we squeezed all kinds of excellent summer activities in. We camped the White Mountains, hiked and swam a bit in them too. (Natural waterslides for the win!) Lots of tea parties, more town exploring and enjoying the warm days and balmy nights. One day we cooled off and did some art at my friend's a/c'd paint-your-own pottery studio. Which reminds me of something that boggled my socks off when I found out about it....LOTS of people who live in the North East do not have central air conditioner. Wow. Really? EVERYONE had it in Florida. But that's because it's down-right needed down there. Up here, there really only were about two weeks where I was really hot. And it was primarily humidity. A fan and a dehumidifier would do wonders to solve that problem. And nights in general are quite cool. I can imagine how wonderful the breeze is if you live on a lake or near the ocean. (similar to a winter breeze in Key West, no doubt).

Fall too, was lovely. The leaves took their time in changing, it seemed. But when they did, how glorious! I took a drive one morning and listened to Handel's Messiah while viewing some extraordinary fall foliage. FIRE! I tell you. Burnished bronze, copper, gold, crimson and scarlet. All the colours of a warm toned rainbow. I wish I had taken more photos of when the leaves really turned. I used up all my camera's batteries on early fall and didn't get around to buying more until long after the leaves had browned and fallen. Autumn was filled primarily with both my husband and I working. Though, we managed to slip up to our mountain trail and pick about a peck of blackberries. And plums on Plum Island (where my in-laws have a house) were an adventure to find and pick. (We may have broken some laws doing that, shhhh). I wish we had had more time to make our bountiful finds into wine. We had LOADS of pears that would have been better put to being wine, instead, all the ones we didn't manage to eat got rather rotten. Thankfully we gave away a lot and did indeed eat a lot before they did. Pumpkins were a wonderful to see, buy, roast and cook and bake with. I made some amazing pumpkin scones, my traditional pumpkin cookies and some pumpkin gnocchi with sage and balsamic vinegar marinated mushrooms. .....so.....delicious....I'm telling you. John also made his first beer this past fall. And his second beer. Both, a regular ale and a ginger ale, turned out quite good.
His chocolate lager, however, that he brewed this past winter was incredible. I loved it. Still am loving it, as it only just got to the point in it's aging where it's drink-worthy. I believe it will still be getting better as time goes by. Another lovely winter memory is the opening up of a bottle of our last spring's Dandelion Wine. It really shined. Dandelions are a wonderful blossom and I truly look forward to their bloom this spring. I'll cover more on this past winter in the next post as time is short for me now, and winter isn't quite over so I can blog about it in present tense with a clear conscience. :)
Cheers!